Have died. After my niece picks me and I get to San Pablo to my cousin’s house, me and him go get a drink and just talked. (I miss my cousin). When I get a phone call from my boyfriend’s brother. He asks me where his brother is, I told he should be at my house. I pictured his face as if he was standing right in from of me. He says my name and tells me that my house was raided. I said what? He goes, you don’t know. Takes a deep breath maybe to remind me to just breath. And I told him what happened that morning and I was over there ever since. So from 11:30 AM – around 3-4 PM, no one called me to tell my house had been raided. No one. Not my father, my mother, oh, and my sister knew too. I drove back to the city to check my house. The doors to the front door were broken but not to my apartment. I left the mess drove back to San Pablo to lay my friend to rest was on my way back the next day. It was bitter/sweet. It wasn’t easy laying him to rest but I missed spending time with my family, which I hadn’t done in a while. When I got to my house the locks were changed. I call my dad and ask him when I was going to get the key to my house. He tells me that I am not allowed back into the bouse. He told the neighbors upstairs not to let me in, even threatened to kick them out if they did. I had to convince them that he has no right to do that. I managed to get into my garage so could sit down and cry. I just came from a funeral, my boyfriend got my house raided puts him in jail, pissed off my dad so he changed the locks to the doors, and he tells me I can’t go in. I cried and cried and cried.
This is still 2012, mind you. I have been going through SO much I wanted to bury myself. Just dog a hole crawl up in there and just die. That is exactly how I felt. The pain is still so raw. I am literally pulling off band aids, casks, neck brace, back brace, I am not letting myself heal. I’m only trying a new method. Kind of like “walking it out” so to speak. I am writing it on a blog so even if just one person reads any of my boring life problems, it’s ok; and if they don’t like it, that’s okay too.
I didn’t listen to my dad and stayed. Now this is whwre I understand where I messed up. It took me a couple of weeks to go see my children. With being locked in my room, then going to the funeral, the raid, and my dad kicking me out, and still had to see him in jail to ask him what happend; I admit I didn’t want them to see me so depressed. But what my brother and sister did? Was uncalled for. In my opinion. So I go to my parents house, I am greeted with excitement, by my nephews who gave me a big hug. I look to see my daughter with a big smile on her face, putting on her slippers, and calling her brother to come see me; when all of a sudden, my sister and then my brother come out of nowhere being loud telling me I’m not supposed to be there. I didn’t say anything because at that moment, I looked at my daughter who now had a look as if she wanted to cry; then she turned to look at her brother as it wanted him to do something. My son just put his head down, and SLAM, the door in my face. So what did I do, I cried some more, this time all nights this time I wailed like a baby would when hungry. This time I felt my soul was torn from my body. The next couple of days, turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into one big ball of a mess I call time wasted, which makes sense because I felt like the walking dead. Walking around in a wasteland, with no sense of where I am going, if I see humans I’d beg for brain, and just walking around making funny noises hoping someone would just shoot me in the head already.
If the last part of that paragraph made no sense, it wasn’t supposed to. Thats how ugly it got for me. And what happened next is too graphic for any audience. I’ll just say, that I really needed brain because I didn’t realize I was living with a sociopath who would hit me for no reasons. I didn’t feel it, I’d just get asked by someone I ran into, or someone I went to go see, what happened to my face. This is a part, I am not ready to share with any one yet. Not to the full extent that I should. I still have A LOT of anger in me. So this part of my life is too scary for me to open. It might even be infected, and contagious so I will see a doctor right away. I will share one story. One night, I felt something strange about him. To be honest, I felt that he wanted to kill me. I was so scared that I lied to him and told him I had to see my father. He followed me to the door, and stood outside until I was the end of the next block. I didn’t have to go talk to my dad, I just felt that I needed to get out of there. I went to the church which was across the street and sat in the dark side of the stairs, of course, to….. Any way. About 15 minutes later, I hear a truck zooming down the street, stopped at the stop sign and sped right by but I hear the screeching of the wheels as it came to a screening halt. I could hear the truck reverse, but the driver stops and hops out the truck. As I nervously look up to see who it is, he asks if it’s me. I jumped up to give him a hug. And he tells me, my dad (who passed about 10 years before) told me someone was waiting for me here. Had he not showed up. I would have never went back to the apartment for fear of what he might do, I would have spent the night scared of being out there, and who knows what could had happened. He went back to his truck. Told the two guys that were in there to get out and he took me to the apartment.
That paragraph wasn’t supposed to make sense either.
When I shut the world out a couple of weeks before, I remember my boyfriend telling me about a social worker looking for me. I never r went out to talk to her. For what? My children are with my parents. Well with so much going on, I didn’t put of together, until now. J.K. Why my brother and sister did what they did? Because the social worker was looking for me. Because they called CPS on me. Of course, at the time I would have never thought of that. With a day of peace, I decide to call the worker. She was glad I called because, they were going there was a TDM set up for the upcoming Tuesday. She needed me to be there. I didn’t quite hear what she said, or I dismissed it, or I don’t know but for some reason, I didn’t stop to think about what happened next. So the day of the meeting, I showed up about 20-30 minutes early.(I am never early to anytbing). I was on the phone and as it was closer to go inside, I finally said to the person on the phone, now I just hope my family doesn’t show up wanting to take them from me. I spoke too soon. I see moms, pops, bro, bro and their sister. Immediately I start to cry, I ask the security guard to call the social worker in charge and to please keep them outside because I can’t be near them. And I was honest with them, I told the security guard to keep them outside because I might do something to one of them. And he saw how distraught I was and told them to step outside. The social worker came down and she escorts me into the elevator we get off on the third floor and walk into the room. I am crying so much I can’t even see the social workers face and I don’t know the conversation, I just remember her saying my children were going to be placed on Thursday. And I said no they are not. I sign over my rights to them. She says excuse me. I sign my parental rights to the Rios family. She says that’s unheard of. Well she heard it then. The other social worker hands me a paper. I don’t even know what I signed since I couldn’t see from the tears. I told her and the worker that I sign my rights to them, the Rios Famiy. I also have a sister in Ohio if they can’t. Make sure please that they go to my family and not a foster home.
I left before my family went in. I couldn’t help it. They really did this to me. I was in denial until now. Because I really can’t believe they did this. And like I said. Mentally, I almost lost it. But cousin brought me back. Physically well. I had to be there. What emotions? No heart, no brain, no will, no way would I had let a piece of shot like him to this to had been all there and he wouldn’t have taken advantage of the state I was in. He was supposed had been my boyfriend so he would had known what I was going through instead he added to then wildfire my life became.
Can we create what God did? 