I don’t know? Feel?

The fact that alcohol numbed most of what I had been through doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it nor that even after I slowed down I didn’t feel it then. However, right now, right this second, in this very moment, trying to get something out of what I should, would, could, if I understood and knew better; I’d say it wasn’t the booze that made me numb. It was the rawness of one impacted with the rawness of the one that followed, and just when I thought the coast was clear, the weather person in my head lied to me. I couldn’t avoid the next one even if I tried. I almost didn’t have to feel some of them but they were real and they were harsh and I was completely crushed, so I just let them pile onto me.

Picture the Wild E. Coyote. Only I’m human and can’t bounce back as fast. Besides, what was I getting up for?  I wasn’t chasing no birds. My tail/tale? Maybe. But everything was behind me becaue I had ran too far from my problems into my biggest problem. Everything was just folding itself out for me. All I had to do was take a step, and my life, unfolded, right there, in front of me. Wilde E. Coyote waiting for the anvil to fall on me. I’d wait for the next crushing news, that spun my world again. The deaths, the betrayals, the grief not being able to grieve, the beatings, the hunger, the cold, the emptiness of the streets filled with cold hearts, dirty bodies, useless minds they call brains, and the void of a home for my heart to beat in comfort. 

All the while yearning to just be a mother to the children God bestowed on me and torn from me by my own family. A family who I thought showed me values, morals, respsect, and who I should honor. Instead I was shown pride, envy, price to pay, judgemental, nothing more than selfish evil pricks like the thorns used on Jesus’ head that crowned him king of the mortal dumb fucks that seem to rule this world. Family, I thought, showed compassion and not feed their pain and suffering.  Family should have given me support instead they threw me into a cold world. I loved my family very much. They took my family away from me and I was empty. 

My mind almost lost, my brain a mush. My body moved, but without grace. My lips spoke words with no meaning. My eyes saw what I saw with my perception unpercieved. The only thing I had left was the beating of my heart and when I heard the little voices of my amazing little ones, my mind closed in, shut the world off and my heart skipped a beat, reminding me of why I stay alive and will continue to survive. One day they will choose to be with me without anyone allowing them permission or not. The rest of their lives is for us to enjoy without “family” intervening and especially not “being there” for nothing.

God has carried me, guided me, sent angels and even family to me. He has reminded me about keeping faith. I comtinue to struggle for peace within myself. His love has never faded. My path cleared to continue the journey of life promised to me for them. The lessons I have learned came from the suffering along with the tears of joy. Proud to be the mother of five children, and even though they are not with me, they are worth living for, even if I suffer so they don’t have to. He told us to honor our mother and our father, and as parents we too should honor our children. They carry out who we are, our legend of how we are as parents. Teach with guidance. Love with all your heart. Care for them with discipline. Enjoy moments of achievments. Take pride in what you do with/for them. The will only award you with being proud to have them as your children.